It’s been a shitty year, but at least it went by quick. 2013 was a tough year to beat, so maybe 2014 was kind of doomed from the start.

On paper, 2014 looked pretty OK. I joined a homebrew club and made a bunch of friends through it. Several friends came through Chicago and if they didn’t crash on my couch, I got to have a drink with them. I saw some of my favorite bands and comedians live. I attended a few weddings, got to spend a little time back in Denver, and spent a few days on the beach in the Dominican Republic. I starting developing for iOS full-time, a gig that I worked toward for a year and a half.

Listed out like that, it looks like a pretty good year, right?

If only. The response to the murders of Mike Brown and Eric Garner frustrated and angered me more than anything else I’ve seen in the news in a long time, which led to a couple months away from social media for my own sanity. I spent a couple months on an anti-depressant (for unrelated reasons), though I’m weaning off that now. Two major family emergencies knocked me off my feet, one early in the year and one late. After a couple years of problems and almost a year of counseling, Erin and I agreed to a trial separation, and I moved out in November.

I really can’t believe how fast this year went by. I know that every year goes faster than the one before it—that just seems to be the way things are always going to be—but still, all of this stuff is still so fresh in my mind that it’s hard to believe how much time has really passed. The good stuff just feels like little garnishes on the shit sandwich that was the rest of the year.

I’m spending New Year’s Eve alone at home this year. I’ve declined a few party invites with [admittedly] melodramtic-sounding excuses about needing some time to myself to reflect or whatever, which is true. I don’t have a goat to sacrifice, but I can’t help but feel like I need to do something to symbolically put this year behind me and move on with my life.

Moping aside, I really am looking forward to 2015—I mean, nowhere to go but up, right? There are a lot of changes I want to make—changes that I’m already making—and things are on the upswing. I’m working to break some bad habits and ingrain some better ones. Time is fleeting, and I’ve wasted too much of it already just waiting around for things to get better; I’m finally taking action to dig myself out of the rut I’ve been in, and wish I’d done so a long time ago.

But hey, onward and upward. Eyes closed, head first, can’t lose.