Confused Bush

I love America as much as the next guy. This country was founded on strong principles and the flexibility for cultural change. For the most part, it’s full of hard-working, honest people that love their families and strive to be good people. We haven’t quite gotten over that Jesus business, but I can overlook that for the time being. America is a powerful world leader, and considered against other countries around the word, I’m glad I was lucky enough to be born and raised here.

However, it has come to my attention that some 40% of American voters still think that our ignorant brow-furrowing idiot king hasn’t driven this country straight into the ground. How he slipped in there for another four years is beyond me, but the fact that anyone still thinks he’s a competent leader focusing on the important issues just makes me want to punch random mid-westerners.

I was struck this afternoon by the absurdity of his justification for the War on Terror - because the terrorists “hate our freedom”? Are you serious? Granted, this was five years ago, but I’ve been a little behind in my e-mail, so shut up.

Allow me to craft an analogy for you, if I may.

There are quite a few people in the area who, for one reason or another, don’t work during the day. Maybe they’re rich, maybe they’re on vacation, maybe they’re just layabouts - it doesn’t really matter. The important thing is that these people enjoy a daytime freedom I can only dream of. Am I jealous? Sure, a little. But do I spend my mornings waiting in Starbucks, sucker-punching anyone who comes in to read the paper? Do I hang out by the pool all afternoon, using sunscreen to write dirty words on the backs of napping sunbathers?

As much as I’d enjoy it, I don’t. Their freedoms, though enticing, do not interfere with my life in any way. If these people showed up where I spend my day, though, I’d probably be pissed. I don’t want someone sunning on the floor of my office by the big windows. I don’t need some guy sitting in my chair, interrupting every few minutes to read me a particularly interesting tidbit from the Post.

America is sort of like a fat guy in a Speedo, stretched out on your desk, sucking down a Big Mac. Also, he’s drunk and keeps singing the chorus of American Pie as loud as he can, even though he can’t remember all the words. We trounce around the rest of the world’s daily life, playing with the copier, stinking up the bathroom, and bumping off upper management so our buddies can get the job.

If the terrorists hated freedom, we’d be pretty far down on their list of targets (remember checks and balances? Those were neat). I’m reasonably confident that our insistence of thrusting the proverbial crotch of our Speedo’d freedom into the face of foreign nations is the reason for discontent.

Though I must say, Mr. President, that taking away our freedoms was a creative means of defending us from those who hate us for them. Good thinkin.

Oh, and for everyone who gives me the “he’s still your President and Commander and Chief!” bullshit (usually followed by a slack-jawed look of blind patriotism), just go to hell. There were people who said the same thing about King George, and do you know where that got them? UP AGAINST THE WALL WHEN THE REVOLUTION CAME, BEYOTCH.

Join us next time for Please Tell Me That You Realize How Corrupt Bush And His Cronies Are (But Did You Hear That One Guy Died Before He Could Be Sentenced?).