I own two umbrellas.

Two years ago I was living in Pittsburgh, and it was raining pretty hard one day after work. I walked a couple blocks to CVS and bought an umbrella to keep me dry while I waited for the bus to take me home. At some point, I misplaced it, so I got another one (thought I don’t think I actually bought that one). Later, I found the first, so I’ve got two now.

That isn’t the point.

Rochester is a pretty crappy city, so it rains about 75% of the time that it’s not snowing. I look out the window each morning, and if it looks especially miserable, I grab the second of those two umbrellas because it’s my favorite - it’s got a spring loaded release thingy, which I’ve always liked. The one from CVS is my backup, because I frequently forget to bring my umbrella home once I’ve taken it to work or wherever.

That isn’t the point, either.

The point is this: I forget to bring home the umbrella because it’s never raining when I go home. In fact, it’s never raining when I leave home. If I think to grab an umbrella, it doesn’t rain. If I forget it, I get soaked.

I’ve decided to make this profitable.

For a modest price, I will come to your barbecue, or picnic, or outdoor porn shoot, and I will bring my umbrella. You can even choose the umbrella, if you like - they both seem to be effective at warding off rain. This way, you have a delightful afternoon and I make a few bucks.

I recommend you get in touch with me soon if you’d like to make use of my services. My summer’s already looking pretty busy, and it’s sure to fill up quickly once word gets out that I am an invaluable asset to successful summertime events.