I am willing to admit that I use body wash. Not standard soap - no no no. My body wash is a delightful blend of milk and honey that leaves me feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. I am comfortable enough in my manhood to admit this, mostly because I’ll bash your face in with a pipe wrench if you make fun of me for it (a MANLY pipe wrench!)

Now, I do love my body wash. But who the hell had the brilliant idea of mixing in refreshing, cleansing BBs? The one time I accidentally bought that crap, it was just kind of irritating because you have to make sure you rinse off really well. They provide no such refreshing cleaning powers! They’re just irritating. Irritating, but harmless.

Last week I bought some face scrub FOR MEN. When I read FOR MEN, I figured it was pH balanced to produce more testosterone, or it came with demolition derby tickets or something like that. As it turns out, FOR MEN actually means LACED WITH BROKEN GLASS. They’ve taken the cleaning BBs to whole new levels, replacing them altogether with gravel and rusty bits of metal.

The label says “use before shaving for a morning wake-up.” The first time I used it, I thought Golly, that DID wake me up!

But then I passed out from blood loss, so I guess I came out even.